MONEY TIPS -5

I.REAL ESTATE INVESTING

1.How To Get Started In The Real Estate Game Fixing And Flipping Houses

A neat way to make good money in the real estate market is to buy homes in cosmetically poor shape and turn them into eye-catching beauties before selling them off while pocketing the difference. An eye for detail is essential in addition to a nose to sniff out good financial deals when you see one.

Inexperience in this field could result in repair bills so high that it could wipe out all your profits and you could even end up pumping in money from your own pocket.

The first thing you do is to connect with an experienced and reliable contractor who will take care of the technical side of repairing, repainting and other general repairs of the home that you buy. Ensure that all his work is up to the local building codes.

If you are new to this business engage an experienced real estate broker to guide you. Identifying the correct house is very important. Stay away from homes that are structurally damaged. The costs of replacing beams or fixing concrete foundations is difficult to estimate. You never know what you are going to uncover. Worn out carpets, peeling wallpaper, leaking taps, outdated cabinetry and even broken doors and windows are easy to fix or replace and result in great returns on investment. Make sure you point these defects out to the seller to negotiate a better price. If the house has any existing loan on it then get all details from the lender. Calculate the cost of repairing the house and add in an additional figure in case of any hidden expenses that may pop up after you start work on the house. If the house has good potential, then you could rehab the house and make it even more beautiful than it originally was when built. That will help to get you a higher price.

Remember not to let potential buyers peek when repairing and re-decorating it. Showing them the finished product is very important since first impressions can be profitable impressions. Always buy houses in areas where the demand is high so that you have a greater number of potential buyers ready as soon as you finish your work. You can even find a badly maintained house for a low price, in a short sale, which the owner has not maintained due to shortage of funds.

You will also need the services of an attorney and a tax consultant to handle the paperwork and the repair bills related to the house. With enough experience you could even buy ill maintained houses and custom make them for specific confirmed buyers. This could propel you into a niche market and the profits in that line could be tremendous. Normally, you should look at a profit of around $25,000 to around $100,000 or even more in such deals, depending on the location of the house and the workmanship of your contractor.

So, if you want to create a different area of expertise for yourself and want to earn more profits as compared to just buying and flipping houses, then buying houses in bad condition before turning it into a beautiful masterpiece and then flipping it for a higher price is a very satisfying way of making money in the real estate market.

2.How Many Businesses That Increase Their Profits By 500%+, Go Down In Value?!

I was speaking to an investor this week, and we were both agreeing the credit crunch has a lot of positives for existing investors.

While the media may make you think anyone owning a lot of buy to let property is at breaking point right now, the truth is far different.

As anyone who owns more than 20 buy to let properties will have seen, annual profits have rocketed due to interest rates being slashed.

With interest rates down to almost a third of what they were, interest payments to mortgage lenders have also been slashed.

If we run through the numbers - the average property that say had a mortgage of £500 a month, now has a mortgage payment of around £200 on a variable rate - and if rent is £550 then that is a huge difference.

So many investors that were barely breaking even 6 months ago, are now seeing huge annual profits!

The average investor with say 50 properties can have gone from profits of say £1,000 a month after costs, to an extra profit of say £150 per property per month ie an extra £7500 per month - so now bringing in £8500 a month, or £100,000 per annum!

What I think is very unusual, and doesn't really make sense, is the fact that your annual profits have jumped by more than 8 times the previous years amount, and yet in theory your business is now worth 10-15% less than last year - with property values supposedly having dropped!

Where else can you see that?!

I think all business owners would take annual profits jumping by 8 times, even if that affects overall business value! Profits and monthly cashflow are so critical for any business and say far more about the long term value of your business than the short term.

When people on the outside of the property world, say times must be hard right now to me, it is hard to agree when your annual profits have increased more than 8 times - and continue to increase!

What I would say is this is a great time to actually reduce your debt by over paying on mortgages - Mortgage Express for one are willing to let you over pay each month on your mortgage - make the most of the next 12 months to reduce your overall borrowing, to keep your long term profits as high as possible.

Also look to keep taxable profits as low as possible, by keeping copies of all receipts and bills for any work done on your properties.

So don't feel too sorry for us property investors right now - with annual profits on UK property up by up to 8 times the profits of the previous year this credit crunch has certainly got some benefits!

For those looking to start out, cashflow has also never been better - with mortgage rates at very competitive levels giving you good positive monthly cashflow!

FIRST AID - SAFETY- 4

I.How to Avoid Bike Accidents in Folsom, California

Folsom, California may be better known for its famous prison than for bicycle safety, but this city of over 60,000 is one of the best places for cycling in the entire state. Located along Highway 50, east of Sacramento, Folsom has over 30 miles of biking trails along the American River and many within the city for cyclists to enjoy.

Beyond that, the city has also committed to spending $8 million towards bike facilities on the new Folsom Dam Bridge/Road project. The new proposal will have full bike lanes on the bridge, in addition to a separate bikeway along the length of the bridge and along the approaches.

However, even with all the engineering improvements in Folsom, cyclists still face risks of potential bike accidents every day. Here are a few common factors that cause bike accidents in California on a regular basis:

Poor Preparation -- No matter how far you plan to ride your bicycle in Folsom, you should always prepare for your journey. Since a bike accident can occur at any time, you should always use proper safety gear including a helmet, reflective material, and sufficient lighting. You should also maintain your bike on a regular basis to ensure your safety.

Poor Visibility -- Bicycles are much smaller than any vehicle that is on the road. Because of this, drivers of motor vehicles might have a tough time spotting you. You should always be cautious while entering intersections or making directional changes so that you can be prepared for any obstacle that might come your way. By cycling defensively, you can limit your risk of being in a bike accident.

Poor Conditions -- It is very difficult to bike safely on a wet, frozen, or dirty road. If you are unsure of the conditions, you should slow down, find an alternate route, or choose another method of transportation.

While many bike accidents could be avoided in Folsom with common sense and good preparation, this is not always the case. Many times something out of the cyclist's control is what causes the bike accident:

* A bike manufacturer may have sold a bicycle that did not fit safety standards.
* Another driver may have caused the accident while you had the right of way.
* The city may not have maintained the roadway to acceptable standards.

If you are involved in a bike accident in Folsom for any reason and believe you are not at fault, you should contact a personal injury lawyer for a free consultation. An experienced attorney can help you receive maximum compensation for your damages based on what the law and circumstances allow.

II.Women's Travel Guide for Safety - By: Nicolette Goff
Whether it is for business or pleasure, more and more women are now traveling all over the world. If you are a lone woman traveling, you should be aware that in other parts of the world, women may be viewed differently. Often, they are viewed as weak and unable to defend themselves. Remember that when traveling, safety first should always be paramount.

Here are some tips that women can use in order to have a much more enjoyable and also much safer trip whenever they travel abroad.

Always do your research on the country you plan on traveling to. Not all countries are the same in regards to culture. In countries that are culturally conservative women often have dress codes that even you, as a visitor, should follow. Always familiarize yourself on the laws and customs of your destination. Ignorance of the law excuses no one, even tourists.

One good example of a country with differing customs regarding women is Saudi Arabia. Tourists here, both men and women have been apprehended by the police for improper dresses. Islamic nations tend to be very conservative, especially concerning the dress and activities of women. Your actions with the opposite sex should be conservative and respectful. In fact, in some countries, it is even illegal to invite people of the opposite sex in your hotel room. Only married couples are allowed to stay in the same hotel room.

Although you may like to dress fashionably, and make a statement with your clothing, remember that what may be casual wear for you may be seen as provocative or inappropriate in other countries. You can never go wrong with jeans and a shirt or t-shirt that covers most of your body. Also, these clothes area much better option than skirts if you need to run or defend yourself. Your choice of clothing should blend in with the public. Try buying some local dress to wear, giving others the impression that you are a local.

Your personal security is important if you are a woman traveling alone. There are several legal safety devices available for sale For example, pepper spray can temporarily blind an assailant and also disable them for 5 to 6 minutes, which is enough for you to run away and get help. Personal alarms are also available, and when triggered, will loudly alert others that there is a problem situation, and quite possibly scare away an assailant.

Whenever traveling in unfamiliar surroundings, always be alert. Never carry a wallet in an accessible pocket. If you are carrying just a wallet, make sure its in an inside zippered or velcroed pocket and that it is small enough to be unnoticed. In places notorious for pickpockets, such as big crowds, touristy areas, bus stations and train stations, keep your purse, camera and other valuables on your person, preferably securely attached to and in front of your body. In some places, children working with adults can slash your garment with a blade and get the contents of that pocket.

Remember that as a woman, you will be much more vulnerable to attacks. By always planning ahead, being aware, and taking simple precautions, you can be sure that you will be able to have a more enjoyable vacation.

JOKES -3

SARDAR JOKES

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Mankuwa City to Sukhpur city, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

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Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation. "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said,"OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Sardarji replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

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Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time. he tries to sleep,one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling into deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

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Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at DEMAN CONSTRUCTION office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager Mr. Arvin Singh. Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy". Santa: And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong. "Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer. And you wrote 'Neither do I'!"

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A sardar wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than
100,000 kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to
help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter
reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective
customer that it has been used sparingly. The sardar liked the idea. A few
weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to
dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which
has done only 30000 kms!

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A Sardarjee reported for his University final examination which consists of
"yes/no" type questions. he takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes
his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the
answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour he is all
done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The
moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "I finished the
exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers

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Santa Singh needed some money desperately. Someone told him that if goes & prays at Gurudwara, Mosque, Church & a temple, that his prayers will surely be answered. So Santa goes to a Gurudwara, & prays there. Then he goes to a Mosque and prays there. Than he goes to a church and prays there. Then he goes to a Shiv temple. The temple had a large Lord Shiva statue. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.

Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Saannoo 100 rupayen chahiye. Kirpa karo."
The priest saw Santa praying. He wante to help Santa, but knew that a Sikh will never accept the money. So he drops a 100 rupee note, from behind the statue, so that Santa can not see him.

After Santa had said his prayers, and opened his eyes. He saw the note and thought that god has listened to his prayers. He takes the note and goes away. However he is back again next day for money. Now the priest is really annoyed with Santa. The Priest decides that he is not going to give any more money to Santa.
He changes the big Shivji statue with smaller one of Ganapathi that day. Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the difference. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer. Santa: "Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Ajj to saannoo 50 rupayen hi chahiye. Kirpa karo." After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money.

Santa: "O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Asee 10 rupayen me hi kaam chala lenge. Kirpa karo jee." After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. He slowly raises his head and now notices that small Ganapthi statue. He carefully looks left and than right, & than slowly moves a bit forward near the statue. Than he whispers to the Statue: "Beta, Papa kitthe hai?!?!!

*********************************************************************************

Santa Singh and Banta Singh both bought one horse each.

They wanted to make sure that they feed their own horse each morning. So Santa Singh asked "how will we know which is your

and which is mine?"

Banta Singh said "its easy I will cut mine's tail, and yours will be the one with tail."

Some boys outside heard it and cut the tail of other horse too.

So the next morning confusion arose even more. Santa Singh said."don worry, ill tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the

one without the bell."

The boys heard this too so they cut the bell.

The next day, Santa Singh got frustrated and said

"OKAY!! now the last criteria will be that:

WHITE HORSE will be yours and BLACK HORSE will be mine."

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Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend.

He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect

him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the

third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?"
(What Happened, My Son?)

The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste

chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for

going forward, but only one for going back!)

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Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the

dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for

another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.


'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

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We have our famous friend Santa Singh qualifying for the hot seat.
( He pressed the buttons by accident and managed to qualify).

Amitabh Bachchan : OK Santa I congratulate you for this opportunity here
with us.
Santa : Oh ji Wahe guru da khalsa wahe guru di fateh. Chak denge phatte
aaj.
Tusi start karo ji.

AB : OK Santa this is your first question for 1000
Rs. - 'Which state has the largest sikh population ?' and your options are
:
A. Punjab
B. Punjab
C. Punjab
D. Punjab
Santa : Oh ji how much time do I've to answer this question

AB : Samay ki koi pabandhi nahi hai Santa ji, you can t! ake your time
Santa (giggles) : Sir ji tricky sawaal puchha hai aapne. I would like to
use my lifeline.

AB : I'm not surprised on this , which one wud U like to use.
Santa : Audience poll

AB : OK audience please be ready with your voting pads, and your time
starts now.
After a minute we have a graphic presentation on the board.
A. 25%
B. 25%
C. 25%
D. 25%

AB : Santa ji, this is a no good situation for you, I can share your
disgust here.
Santa : Yeh mere saath hi kyon hota hai. Fasa diya Sirji aapki audience
ne.
I think I've to use my second lifeline - 50 50.

AB : Very good ! 50 50 ka istemal karna chahenge. OK
computer ji do galat jawab mita diye jayen.
Computer displays A. Punjab and C. Punjab
Santa : Badi chalu machine hai aapki sar ji. Mein chodoonga nahi aaj
isko.
Wahe guru de kasam mereko third life line bhi chahiye.

AB : Kamal hai Santa ji, I must congratulate you, You have record of
using
all the lifelines in the very first question.
This is great . OK phone a friend - kisko phone karna chahen ge aap.
Santa : My one and only one... mera langotiya yaar., Banta Singh.

AB : OK Banta ko phone lagaya jaye.
Phone rings. Banta picks it 'Hulloooooo, kon hai oye adhi raati,???'

AB : Hello Banta ji , mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon Star Plus ke
Kaun Banega Crorepati se.
Banta : OOOOOOOOOO Bachan ji Sasriyakal, koi hor hota to uski to mein....
#_^_%_#_%_%_&. Ki hal chal he sar ji.

AB : Mein thik hoon Banta ji, par ye ek family show hai is liye aap
apshabdon ka prayog na karen to behtar hoga. Aapke dost yahaan
bethe hain mere saath aur.................
Banta (Interrupts) : Aur wo sala pehle hi question pe atak gayahoga,
khota hai sala. Sawal pucho ji.

AB : Aapko sirf tees second .,.............chaliye mein aapko special
case
karte hue 1 minute doonga. Aur aapka samay shuru hota hai aab.
Santa : Oye bante ke ho raya hai yaar ??
Banta : Oye ullu de dum, saale bahar se taala laga gaya khote. Sawere dud
wala aaya si, paise mang raya si, aur khotya tu meri kameez
pehen
gaya. Sale chakki se aata lana tha, tera baap layega kya ??.

AB: Santa ji kya kar rahe hain samay khatam ho raha hai.
Santa : Yes Yes. Oye chod use yaar question hai ..... (he tells him the
question).
Banta : Saale sari zindagi tere nakal mar ke fail hota raha hoon, par iska
answer
mujhe aata hai. Kalank hai tu Punjab ke naam pe. Iska answer
Punjab hai
lallu.
Santa : oye par ......... (and the clock stops).

AB : Samay khatam, aapke mitr ne jawab de diya hai , ab to mujhe pakka
confidence
hai ke aap kam se kam 1000 to le ke jayenge hi aaj.
Santa : Ullu ka patha hai ji, ye to mujhe bhi pata hai par sale ne yeh
to batya nahin ke A hai ya C hai.

And this was the last episode of KBC as most of the audience died
laughing...

JOKES - 2

Sardar Jokes

Santa Singh sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft. A few days later he got this reply:- Dear Mr. Singh, You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained. Thanks


Santa singh jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a party and when all the guests had come, he said Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki mujhay america mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Santa singh continued Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter english main hai isliyen saath-saath hindi main translate bhee kartaa jaongaa.

Dear Mr. Singh-----pyare singh sahab

You do not meet----aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab letter vetter bhejnay kee zaroorat nahee hai.

No phone call ----phone vone kee bhee zaroorat nahee hai

shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya

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A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules here in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, "OK, Ill buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though its not the answer I expected.

But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?" The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

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One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered " No No Me Banta Singh" Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered "Yes I am relaxing " Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai."

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After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had occupied his son's birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

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A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.

The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

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A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'

Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

JOKES - 1

I. Business and Office Humour

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, 'I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one.'

'Me first!' says the paralegal. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise.

Poof! She's gone.

'Me next!' says the associate. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.'

Poof! He's gone.

'You're next,' the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

II.For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, 'I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.'

And the boss said, 'And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?'

III.The newly rich real estate developer splurged on a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow and couldn’t wait to show it off. So after a meeting with the manager of his bank, he offered him a ride home. “Whaddya think?” he couldn’t resist asking his passenger after a mile or two. 'Pretty snappy, eh? I bet you’ve never ridden in one of these before.”

“Actually I have,” the banker replied graciously, “but this is my first time in the front seat.”

IV.'My boy decided to go into business on a shoestring,' said George. 'He's tripled his investments, be he's still not satisfied, can you believe it?'

'Why not?' asked his friend.

'He can't think of anything to do with three shoestrings.'

V.An elderly real estate businessman and his young protege are standing on top of a ridge overlooking a vast valley of undeveloped land. The businessman says, 'Stick with me kid, and someday that will all be mine.'